Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
