she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
