Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
