Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
