i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
