I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
