last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
