Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
