Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
