I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
