I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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