it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
