we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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