i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
