thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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