Someone shit on the floor
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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