Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
