mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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