He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
