I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
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In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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