Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
