i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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