She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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