Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
