my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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