If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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