I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
