o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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