I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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