it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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