did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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