Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....