I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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