Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
