Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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