alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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