Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
