I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
a search helicopter?!
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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