What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
