This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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