Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
