I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
be right there i have to get my cape
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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