I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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