i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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