She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
