Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
