The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
