What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
