tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
