What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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