I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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