when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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