I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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