I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
