The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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