What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
