my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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