she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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