When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
